As one of the first people in my friend group to have a kid, I’ve been wanting to put something together for folks who just found out. It’s such a significant life change with loads of information to absorb, and I find it weirdly comforting that countless generations before us figured it out. Plus, we have Google now. Fair warning: sample size of one here. Every baby is a special snowflake, and what worked for us might not work for you. But hopefully some of this is useful. The way I think about the first few months: you survive, then you thrive. The first six weeks you’re just holding on for dear life no matter the kid. Then it gets better. And eventually, it actually gets fun.
Before Baby Arrives
To give myself some grounding, I found Emily Oster’s work helpful. She’s an economist who went through the studies and does a good job explaining what the science actually says. She has two relevant books - one on pregnancy, one on the first year. I read both. I’d also read a book or two on sleep training and have an action plan ready in case your child is an awful sleeper. It’s a lot easier to align with your partner on a plan while you’re getting full nights of sleep. I didn’t have the brain capacity to read non-fiction during the first three months (I’d rather be sleeping), so getting all of the insights out ahead of time is a slam dunk. Think of it as a “break glass in case of emergency” situation - have that intense sleep training plan saved in an Apple note or email draft, and hopefully you never need it. For what it’s worth, Oster does a good job showing sleep training doesn’t negatively impact the kid, though it can be intense for the parents. For clothes and diapers, everyone (literally everyone) will want to buy you stuff, but it’s tough because you don’t know what size baby you’ll have. Our kid came out at 3-month size, flew through 6-month, and was in 18-month for a while. All the newborn clothes we pre-washed and newborn diapers we accumulated? Useless. Meanwhile, a friend had a tiny newborn and barely had enough clothes for the initial window. My advice: keep tags on baby clothes until the 36-week growth scan. Get some onesies and sleepers in the different sizes: newborn, 3-month, etc and a couple sizes of diapers, then lean heavily on Amazon or Target pickup once you know what you actually need. We lived exclusively in sleeprs for the first month, and then added in onesies during the second month.
And friendly reminder: newborn outfits are a psyop by capitalism (Big Baby Clothes). Putting a baby in jeans is absolutely wild behavior.
A few other pre-baby moves:
- Grab the free registry swag bags from Target, Amazon, Walmart, and Babylist
- Babylist has sampler packs of bottle nipples and pacifiers - great for figuring out what baby likes before committing
- Sample multiple swaddle options too
- Don’t spend the gift cards until baby arrives. You’ll have ideas about how you’re going to do things, and then reality will adjust those ideas.
- Get a dentist appointment in before delivery, especially for the pregnant person - pregnancy and postpartum can cause teeth to shift
- The nursery doesn’t need to be done before the baby arrives. They’ll mostly live in a bassinet in your room for the first three months anyway, and having that creative project is a nice outlet when you’re stuck at home.
Survival Mode
The goal for the first six weeks is simply getting through it. Lower your standards dramatically and be kind to yourself. Sleep strategy: Worth thinking about shift work. We did something like 8pm-2am and 2am-8am - that gets you 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep plus whatever you can grab during your shift. Also: sleep when baby sleeps. It’s hard because you want to watch them, or you want to do adult things and hobbies. This is a trap. Sleep instead. Feeding reality check: There’s no easy way to feed a baby. Pumping means endless dish washing. Breastfeeding is tough, and early teething can be painful. Formula can cause allergic reactions and it takes time to find one your baby tolerates. The answer is probably some combination of all three at different times. Mom’s job is to stay hydrated and fed. Dad’s job is to help and get out of the way - and get familiar with washing pump parts and bottles, because that’s going to be a constant. Household stuff: The answer to “who does the chores” is “both of you, all the time.” Laundry can wait. Lean into the low expectations people have of new parents - don’t worry about wearing clean clothes places. And ignore anything either of you says after 9pm or before 8am. Sleep deprivation makes people harsh. Lean on people. Family, friends, whoever offers. Say yes to help.
Gear for survival mode:
- Safe spots to put baby down in every room (bassinet, high chair, stroller with brakes on, mat on floor, activity chair)
- Wipeable changing table
- Electric snot sucker - don’t bother with manual, we could never get enough suction
- Electronic nail buffer
- Thermometer and a chart showing what clothes babies can sleep in at different temperatures
- An app to track diapers, feedings, and sleep (we used Huckleberry)
- Podcasts for monitoring sessions
Finding Your Rhythm
At some point - could be 6 weeks, could be 12 - things start to click. You’re still tired, but it’s manageable. This is when you can start doing things again. Go on stroller walks as soon as you’re both recovered and able. Getting out of the house matters. Doing things with the baby makes everything better. Monthly photo shoots, outfit changes - it’s corny but fun, and it helps replace the activities you lost. Take more photos than you think you need, and lean into videos. The baby gets good at what you do with them frequently. If eating out is important to you, start practicing early. It might be dicey at first, but you’re both learning. Transitioning to food (around 6 months, though it took our kid longer): Mashed banana and baby oatmeal were early hits, along with pouches fed from self-feeding spoons. It really kicked into gear around 9-10 months for us. Toys: Quantity matters more than quality. You never know what’s going to catch a kid’s attention, so having variety - different toys, books, teethers - is the move. Lean into gifts here. When the toy area gets crowded, do a toy rotation. Bottles: Once you’ve tried the sample packs, just buy more of whatever the baby actually likes.
Protecting Your Marriage
It’s so easy to spend all your time together rehashing the todo list. You have to actively make space to reconnect as a couple. Something corny that worked for us: we’d do a rose and a bud, no thorn. (The thorn was too intense given everything else going on.) It forced us to talk about something other than logistics.
Overall, parenting a newborn is an intense endeavor. I used to joke that as long as you were okay giving up every hobby you had, it wasn’t that bad. It’s deeply melancholy watching a child age and realizing you’ll never get that specific version of your kid back ever again. But it’s so fun watching them grow up, and they keep getting more and more fun. As I look back at our kid now (turning 2!), we have inside jokes, she’s walking and talking up a storm, and I realize it’s all worth it.
The best tip I can give is trite, but it’s so true: in the grand scheme of things, a year is not that long. You can get through anything. Best of luck to all new parents.